Doktor Konrad

Van Credenza, in collusion with self styled "DDR King of Pop" Artur Cotzin (ex Border Guards) of Berlin who provides vocals, offer this take on the death of Michael Jackson, and the subsequent guilty verdict found against his physician, Dr Conrad Murray.


As a band, Van Credenza sides with no party in this, or any other case. We all have our own thoughts, and have let Conzin express his.


Further, we do not actually understand the views expressed by Conzin in this number, as none of us are able in the German language.

Aquarium

In 1836, Dr. Nathaniel Bagshaw Ward (inventor of the Wardian Case) proposed to use his tanks for tropical animals. By 1841, with aquatic plants and toy fish, he did so, but was preceded by Félix Dujardini in 1838 who developed a saltwater aquarium. 

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Soon to be networked in Europe, this is the theme tune commissioned for "The Aquarium: An Unveiling of the Wonders of the Deep Sea" ("Der Ocean auf dem Tische" in Germany), produced by William Stimson.

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Eye Level

Eye Level

The Simon Park Orchestra produced music for the De Wolfe Music Library amongst others, and ‘Eye Level’ was selected as a theme tune in 1973 for the popular Van der Valk series, set in Amsterdam and produced by Thames Television (which closed in 1992). 

An associate of the Simon Park Orchestra, Jack Trombey (real name Jan Stoeckart), was a distant relative of our drummer Hot Stix (not his real name either) and from Trombey, Stix developed his love of goats. Trombey wrote the hook for Park’s arrangement: without that top line, nicknamed ‘the Hook of Holland’ in the business, Eye Level may never have sold over 1 million pressings.

Stix insisted on Van Credenza covering this number as a tribute to Stoeckart, many of whose tunes are familiar to you, but uncredited. This is because Stoeckart, like Van Credenza, produced music for stock use, and he also used many aliases. 

Rehabilitation Mortuary Part 2

Part 2: hope for Hilton Coldstream?

Is it now open to all? We’ve seen the signs. Some new hospitals offer another chance of life: we’ve seen it with our own eyes.

Perhaps controversially, Van Credenza hopes to collect enough of Hilton Coldstream together to assemble a new being, one at least capable of contributing to the band, as contracted. Already, we have the body parts purportedly sent by his kidnappers and killers from Asia. These are mainly digits and limb sections: sufficient for a tuneful contribution, if these rehabilitation mortuaries are to have any credibility.

Publically, here, we plead with any individual and/or group with anything more to give (of Hilton): send to the usual address, no questions asked.

In the meantime, Rehabilitation Mortuary Part 2, in the style of Coldstream’s favourite genre, serves as a reminder to those Oriental criminals that there may just be redemption for us all.

Rehabilitation Mortuary Part 1

Rehabilitation Mortuary Part 1

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This happened around 100 years ago.

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A mortuary existed where recently departed would be taken, more in hope than expectation of another chance at living. Only for the wealthy and/or unprejudiced, the Rehabilitation Mortuary showed a low percentage rate of success, but for the dead, it was a chance worth taking.

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Two world wars, and a superfluity of progress clouded the existence of this second chance phenomenon: now, Van Credenza remind everyone of the opportunity.

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Rehabilitation Mortuary Part 1

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Echolocation

Van Credenza have recently been collaborating Artur Cotzin from legendary German band The Border Guards, the result being this cover version of that band's underground hit of the seventies, Echolocation.

The Border Guards were based in the eastern sector of Berlin, and began life as a Steve Marriott cover punk outfit (Fumble Pie), who went on to be known as The Spartacus League. Cotzin provided guidance, engineering and the bass line for this cover.

He explains: "As a registered blind man in East Germany, I was able to operate more freely than most under the Honecker administration. Pop and rock music was seen as decadent by the DDR regime, but my friends, all with some form of disability, were largely ignored by the Stasi. In fact, we were invited to play several times at Sozialistische Einheitspartei Deutschlandsfunctions. At one point, our recordings filled every position in the East German Top Twenty. Erich Honecker's daughters Erika and Sonja were great fans of The Border Guards, and their influence meant we could gain access to the best recording facilities on offer in East Germany.
We hope to release a box set of recordings in 2012, which would include the original Echolocation. But for now, enjoy Van Credenza's interpretation."

The Nuremberg Chronicle

As most will know, the Nuremberg Chronicle (Latin academics refer to it as Liber Chronicarum or Book of Chronicles) is an illustrated world history structured to follows the story of human history as related in the Bible; it includes the histories of a number of important Western cities. It appeared in 1493, and was one of the earliest European printed books.

Some 700 copies still exist in 2011 (around 400 in Latin, and 300 in German): our vocalist Biscuit procured one from a collector on our recent visit to Germany. He thought it was a colouring book.

But .......... not so stupid! Back in the 15^th Century, many copies were hand-coloured after printing.

Specialist shops were set up throughout southern Germany to colour the Chronicle, which was not only a world history to that date (as recorded within the first 6 ‘ages’ of the book) but also an outlook on the end of the world written from a religious perspective (Last Judgement).

This is our homage to The Nuremberg Chronicle.

Platform Soul

Platform Soul was written by Hilton Coldstream and Van Credenza shortly before Coldstream was kidnapped and presumably killed in the Far East. The band had been reluctant to record the tune, but vocalist Biscuit has nagged the rest of the group to do so: this is the result.

A return to the glitter era with a robotic twist in the tale, Platform Soul samples various drum parts from the ‘seventies. Hilton owned a robot which sported outrageous platform sole boots: unfortunately it was never returned to him after the police impounded it as evidence when he was accused of human trafficking back in 2008. The case never came to trial, although following Coldstream’s disappearance, an upswing in the Vietnamese population appeared to occur in his old locality.

So here we have it, yet another tribute to the maverick, the innovator, and perhaps the perverted criminal that was Hilton Coldtream.

Professor Jimmy Edwards

This song is a tribute to Jimmy Edwards, a multi instrumentalist from London, who died in 1988. It features a new instrument (for Van Credenza), the ‘Rockstar Air Guitar’ which cost £2.99 from Amazon. The mallet and the marimba compliment the percussive rhythms, while slide bass guitars have been utilised as samples.This song is a tribute to Jimmy Edwards, a multi instrumentalist from London, who died in 1988. It features a new instrument (for Van Credenza), the ‘Rockstar Air Guitar’ which cost £2.99 from Amazon. The mallet and the marimba compliment the percussive rhythms, while slide bass guitars have been utilised and sampled.

London born James Keith O'Neill Edwards was better known as Jimmy Edwards, and, along with distant cousin Windsor Davies turned to comedy as a means to a living. In fact, Edwards it was who set up Davies in his major starring role, advising Davies on the handlebar moustache style, and cajoling the casting team to employ his relation. Jimmy Edwards himself was a war hero, earning the DFC, and he proved himself to be multi talented by starring in his own pioneering radio and television productions, such as Take it from here, and Whack-o. However, he led a secretive private life, and although married for many years to Valerie Seymour, he had many affairs, with partners of both sexes and a few don’t knows. One of these liaisons allegedly resulted in the birth of an Irish child, reputed to be a parent of pop duo Jedward, so called in tribute to their mystery grandparent. Their hair is styled on Jimmy’s moustache.

Blind Strippers

Blind Strippers call 101 toll free

Blind Strippers they will speak to me

Blind Strippers don’t know what they do

Blind Strippers there for me and you

Blind Strippers they’ll speak on your phone

Blind Strippers when you’re on your own

Blind Strippers here’s a little tip

Blind Strippers you can’t see them strip

Blind Strippers are they really blind?

Blind Strippers always seem so kind

Blind Strippers they like to unwind

Blind Strippers Venetian blind

Blind Strippers realigned

Blind Strippers undefined

Blind Strippers disinclined

Blind Strippers peace of mind

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